Grading My Cocodona 250

The Best B+ I’ve Ever Gotten

A week before Cocodona 250, I made the volunerable decision to share my process goals and values for Cocodona 250. So, lets go back through them and see how I did. Now, this is just about the most self centered way of doing a post, but maybe it will provide a framework or idea of how to rethink and analyze your own goals and experiences in life. And please be kind, I have never publicly done this before!

My three values for Cocodona 250 were:

Presence.
Community.
Trust.

PCT was the simple mantra because it held all those words while also being an experience that immensely shaped me 15 years ago.

The point of these values is not to hit a certain time goal or place, but to work within them and trust that decisions and choices made through these values will contribute to the best outcome goal.

And, now that the race is over, I think the most interesting thing I can do is grade myself on those values instead of the result. It was a really great race to work through in this way because life and training has been messy and chaotic since the Appalachian Trail, and these values helped quiet things down. I would definitely recommend!

Grading myself objectively

I think I got a B+ overall, and that is great!

This feels weirdly more meaningful than any finishing time or place because it is an example of this style of thinking and running working as intended. I never looked at the tracker or my placement, and I had more fun than any previous years. Even my time and placement were on the top end of what I had expected. Given my fitness and some hiccups in trying to get back into ultrarunning shape after the Appalachian Trail, I thought my realistic A-goal was around 65 hours (I finished in 69). And I was a bad section away from hitting this. So, the race was well executed, even if my dream goals were higher.

Before the race, I was nervous in a way that had very little to do with fitness. I know the course well. This was my sixth year running it. I’ve done enough long efforts to know how to move through difficult terrain and solve problems. But what scared me was slipping back into old patterns. Racing for validation. Racing to prove I belong. Racing like the outcome determines whether I’m enough.

That mindset can quietly take over a race.

And I’ve done enough therapy at this point to at least recognize when it’s happening.

So instead of obsessing over splits and external goals, I really tried to sink into my three values in the first 60 miles of the race. It wasn’t easy, but it slowly took hold and worked by the time I got to mile 75, when I could have a pacer.

Presence gets a B.

Early in the race, I struggled with it. The first 50 or 60 miles felt mentally noisy. I had GI issues, runners everywhere, tracker issues, chaos, a fight, adrenaline, and a reluctance to slow down and process. My brain kept drifting into future thinking. Worrying about the race instead of experiencing the race.

But somewhere around mile 70, things changed. I keyed into what felt good and let my legs move how they love to move. That led to me thinking through what my body needed to keep moving liek that, and the rest is history.

From about mile 75 to 200, I felt incredibly present. Probably more present than I’ve ever been during a race this long. I had a very tired period with Tara, but still was willing to run up hills when she broke me out of my sleepy trance. I knew when to run and when to hike. I ate consistently with only a couple of puke sessions. I stopped stressing about how far was left and just focused on making the next correct decision.

That’s what presence ended up meaning to me. Not some perfect meditative state. Just asking:
“What is the right thing right now?”

Not five hours from now. Right now.

And when things got difficult again from mile 210 to 225, I actually returned to the values instead of spiraling. That feels important. I didn’t execute presence perfectly, but I came back to it repeatedly.

That’s probably growth, and I feel proud of it. Even when things felt rough and panicky, I didn’t avoid that feeling or let it sprial into concern. I attacked it head on and asked what is causing this? Then I worked through it and came back to presence.

Community gets a B+.

The most amazing crew and pacers

Honestly, this might have been the biggest breakthrough of the race. Tara, Katie, Pete, Ginny, and Kristen mean so much to me. As someone who strives for community but has to work so hard in interpersonal relationships, these five individuals were incredible!

I’ve spent so much of my life being hyper independent that accepting help almost feels uncomfortable. Even when people genuinely want to support me, there’s still this instinct to minimize my needs or feel guilty for receiving help at all.

But during this race, I finally started letting go of that.

At first, it was hard to open up to my pacers and crew fully. But by the second night, I trusted them completely. They packed my bag. They chose layers. They handled food decisions. They told me what to do, and instead of resisting it or trying to control everything, I let them help.

It actually makes me smile with pride! I was able to state how I felt, and they helped me craft a solution. It might be like, “I feel like I am peeing a lot in this section,” to which we might work together to quickly dissect how much I have drank and how much salt I have consumed. This was pretty cool to be a part of such a good team.

AND, the amazing thing to me was that it didn’t make me weaker to include others in my problems. I didn’t have to judge if they were important or not. I didn’t have to worry that they would think I was complaining. They knew I wanted to do my best, and my style is not to complain, it is to push myself as hard as I can. And eliminating the small problems makes that push better! It made me better.

The race became shared instead of isolated.

I stopped worrying whether my crew was having fun enough or if I was asking too much from them. I trusted that they wanted to be there and wanted me to succeed.

I think the biggest breakthrough was realizing I could receive support without feeling guilty.

That sounds small written out like this, but honestly, it felt huge. It has been one of the biggest and scariest things to navigate as I try to maintain and have friends and a community.

Trust gets an A.

This was the strongest category all race.

Once things settled down after the first 50 miles, I really trusted myself. Not in a cocky way, but in a calm way. I trusted my experience. I trusted my instincts. I trusted my ability to solve problems without panicking. And I trusted my other values, like trusting my crew and the community. I knew who was worth trusting.

And maybe most importantly, I trusted that I didn’t need to race someone else’s race. I was in 35th place(ish) at halfway and finished in 10th. This is how I race, and I trusted it would work. And with my trust and belief, I think it took pressure off my crew too. It paved the way for fun because we knew that if we trust my style of having a blast and moving up in the field that it would be successful no matter the outcome.

I am going to publicly give myself a little more credit even if it feels awkward. Trust is easy to lose in a big event. You see people making different decisions and suddenly start questioning your own. But I kept coming back to the fact that I’ve done this for a long time. I know how to move through difficult situations. I know what works for me.

So instead of forcing outcomes, I just kept responding to what was happening.

I think that’s why this race felt mentally closer to an FKT than a traditional ultramarathon. It was like doing an FKT with a team that would do anything for you to do your best!

FKTs always felt healthier to me psychologically because they reward self trust. There’s less comparison. Less external noise. More adaptability. More internal decision making.

And this time, I somehow brought a little bit of that mindset into a race.

I wasn’t trying to become someone else out there or even be self supported. But I did let myself remember that I know how to do this and that my style isn’t the same as everyone else’s. So, don’t worry about them.

I wasn’t trying to perform a version of myself for acceptance. I just felt like me. That might honestly be the thing I’m proudest of.

I was able to let my crew and pacers see what I became while sleeping 8 minutes over 69 hours. I trusted them, the process, and myself. I didn’t have to spend extra energy masking my feelings and emotions, which I feel like I naturally do. So, breaking this pattern is pretty surreal.

And maybe that’s the real reason I wanted these values in the first place. It was the permission to live by something I believe in, but sounds too Woo-Woo to share outloud. But, I care about a lot, I value a lot, and breaking down and focusing on three key parts for this race made it a fantastic experience.

Conclusion

I did not race perfectly. I did not hit my A goal. I didn’t even feel that good or fit headed into the race. But, I raced the right way for me and had exactly the experience I wanted, regardless of time, place, or attention. And I think that is what really matters.

This race is probably the best B+ I will ever get. Room for improvement, but also extremely improved from the past!